When I first arrived here there were numerous phrases, gestures and practices that caused me no end of confusion, but after living and – barely – breathing here, I’ve slowly come to understand a number of them. So, for any new arrivals I offer my very random, very unscientific novice’s guide to Indian language, gestures and customs.

Yes
Can vary wildly in meaning from an affirmative response in the sense of: “Yes, we do have that item in stock” to “Yes, I understand what you’re saying. But no, we do not have that item in stock.”

Yes sir/madam
Usually means: “Yes, I understand what you’re saying, but we don’t have that item available and your increasingly shrill manner and wild gesticulations will not make it appear. Neither will talking more loudly.”

Red traffic light
More of a polite suggestion, rather than an outright instruction. Barthes and his colleagues would have a field day dissecting the semiotics of the Indian red light.

A rickshaw driver’s almost imperceptible shake of the head
You have to watch for this one. The untrained eye will often miss it, or mistake it for a shake of the head meaning “no”. What he’s actually saying is: “Get in, I know where you want to go despite your lack of local diction, or your garbled attempt to speak my language.”

5 minutes
A period of time so flexible and relative that Albert Einstein must have been Indian. One thing it is not, however, is five minutes.

Change
Something no shopkeeper, taxi or rickshaw driver will ever have on them.

A hissing noise
“Hello, would you like to peruse the goods in my shop and perhaps make a purchase?”

You’ve lost weight
Not the compliment you may expect it to be. It’s more an insult to your wife and translates as: “Your wife is not feeding you properly. You need to eat more.”

Pak
Pakistan. Headline writers seem averse to using the country’s full name, which is a handy timesaver as almost no story is complete without a reference to Pakistan.

Big B
Amitabh Bachchan. Bollywood big wig and the closest thing to a living God in India. His mere presence can cause grown men to compose songs in his honour and sing them at press conferences. Yes, I have seen this happen.